chosen

i asked you exactly what

i thought you’d want me to

don't know what i really want

every need is to please you

the reason for my silence 

the feeling of my body turning to smoke

i wouldn’t tell you to stop

if i knew it’s what you really want

  i thought of how lucky i was

when the feeling of relief arrived

you said you just couldn’t stop

as you watched a part of me die

i was grateful for that night

     and i laughed on the doctors table

they scanned and screened me until nearly dawn

     and i’ll repeat it again when you choose to call

i’m water in the undying grip

nothing that would hold me from being beneath it 

if your promises don’t hold up

       i’d feel less guilty than the way i do right now

writing until my eyes close

they chastise me for my carelessness

     but this is the life i chose

you contradicting thing, i’ll just blame it on the snow

that transgressed into my veins

      and the whiskey in my bones