letters to zach, part 4

28th. january 31st.

Zach, i don’t know who to talk to about this anymore. i guess I’ll just talk to you, in hopes that you are listening. i doubt you are because you are probably having fun climbing all of the rocks you want - free soloing and feeling free. at least, i hope that is what you’re doing. i really hope you’re in absolute bliss and eternal peace.

i hate that i’ve been making your loss about me, because it is not. you are so loved by everyone who met you. you were the kindest person i knew. did you know that you have been on my mind every second of every day since i met you? i’m not saying these things just in that moralistic, retrospective love that people get during grief.

your death did not make you more important to me because your life was already everything to me. you were everything to me. you were the guy i loved more than anyone.

i actually don’t know how i’m alive right now. genuinely. it’s insane that i’m surviving this kind of merciless pain. I think you took a part of me with you when you left.

it felt like we shared the same soul and then you left and took it with you

i haven’t been the same. you saved me, Zach. you were the greatest, happiest part of my life. i am so grateful to you forever.