haywire

if i could do what i wanted i would

hire an electrician

to climb inside my ears and i would

rearrange the wires of my brain

a jolt of electricity would

reboot the faulty circuitry

id climb out of the bed and i would

work a 9 to 5 without a

tremor in my step

lay down at night and close my eyes

without the jarring motion picture

that i cant escape when i try

a steady pulse, a deep breath

id know what id want to do and

just go outside and make it true

drive my car without a flinch

of terror as i open up its heavy doors

glide with ease and let go of the

mechanics i’ve trained myself to follow

a hollow shell who grits her teeth in all

the things she cannot say

all the anger tied into

a pretend smile that no one can mistake

the meticulous agenda would be

checked off in the order that it was made

and when night falls you wont watch my

good mood match the sun as it quickly fades

stand up from a grey chair without the

pale white walls crashing down over my eyes

as the question posed a thousand times

reenters the fore front of my mind

is there a trade off, could there be something so good

as to make up for the crowd of people left misunderstood

without an ounce of hope that there could be some clarity

a second of relief through the 59 seconds per minute of disparity