yearning

were you disappointed when you got to know me?

its a winter’s day, and i want to

be wanted more than anything else in the world.

im not too gone to be healed, am i?

im not too gone am i?

i think… i wait for people to hurt me

and when they do, i feel a certain smugness

at being right. and, after that, i just feel pain.

it was a long time ago. it doesnt matter anymore. and yet, i cannot let it go.

i cannot let it go.

in a field, i am the absence of field. this is always the case.

wherever i am, i am what is missing.

i am aware. sure, i am aware.

catastrophically aware.

i could have been someone who lived,

i am not going to be loved in this lifetime, am i.

i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive.

my mom asks if everything’s okay, and i say of course.

drowning is a quiet, desperate thing.